| your love is warm nights with pockets of moonlight |
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[25 Jul 2008|08:48pm] |
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This journal is now void of all activity.
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[21 Jul 2008|01:43pm] |
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I like to call this the, I JUST GOT A MAC! face.
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| MIA |
[21 Jun 2008|12:49pm] |
I'm alive
that's all you need to know
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| que sera sera |
[22 May 2008|09:12pm] |
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Every emotion pulls at the strings lining my insides
I'm a cluttered mess of words and 'wisdom'
Both being thrown my way, neither coming in handy
I'm frozen,forward,moving back
I dont want to make history
I want to make the future
My future
But do I have one?
Confusion is the new name
My eyes are lined with insecurity
My sides are seeping with fear
Every breath, growing deeper than the last, reminder that air is still there
The air tastes like cigarettes
Maybe its just my air
I weave my hands through the blood thats clotting my every move
And I dont know where it is I go from here
Where I am headed
Or if I will even get there
But I'm gonna give myself yet another new name
and Im gonna try
You can call me ready.
Here I come, 'real world.'
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| Gravity rides everything |
[20 May 2008|04:06pm] |
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Everything has a way of coming undone the same way it did coming together
In the last week, I lost my best friend, my superman, my habit, my addiction, my you.
2 more days until I can stop pretending to be okay
2 more days until High School is no more
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| muscle memory |
[18 May 2008|09:40pm] |
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I hate trying to put my desire into words when my body knows exactly what to say
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| sense & nonsense |
[15 May 2008|08:41pm] |
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music |
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brand new-jesus christ |
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5 days ago I saw Metro station play
5 days from now I will be 2 days away from ending high school forever
5 minutes ago I was helping my sister clean her car
and 5 minutes from now, should I be granted the right to breath any longer, hopefully I will be doing some cleaning of mine self.
Sometimes nothing is as normal as being stoned
¬hing as weird as being sober
Sometimes the only way you can see anything is by closing your eyes
& hear anything, by shutting out all sound
My senses are currently headlocked into a state of unconsciousness, and I'm not even as drugged up as I'd like to be. Should I of been as doped out as I always appear to, maybe I'd have a reason for writing so incoherently. Truthfully, schools almost out, and I'm panicked as to how I'm supposed to grow up when every bit of me,age aside, feels like it did in the 5th grade.
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| This just in |
[14 May 2008|12:27pm] |
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music |
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coldplay-what if |
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Further evidence that transmogrification is taking place:
I am proof positive that the regression of man is rapidly occuring, and I never thought I would say this but...
I have a newfound girlcrush on someone I used to absolutely loathe.With a passion. There must be something in that whole pollution theory...No other reason I can find for my current obsession with her. Must be in the water.
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| Lather, rinse, repeat. |
[06 May 2008|09:18pm] |
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music |
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honey and the moon-joseph arthur |
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Sometimes I ask myself what it is about writing our thoughts down, that makes them that much more real, meaningful, life events we lived through that much more, once jotted down in this here el jay. Maybe its going back to what was, and rehashing what wasnt, coulda woulda shoulda, because really, you can never stand solely on happiness. I cant atleast. For tonight, I'll blame the melancholy on my dads inability to understand donating blood, combined with my favorite time of the month.
Today feels like it never happened, or maybe it just shouldnt have, the choice is yours to make. It went same as most, I woke, showered, put my face on, et cetera, headed to hell, 7 periods of things I stopped caring for after the 5th grade, followed by the usual quick paced walk out of the flames, into my car, and back towards solace. I came home to an empty house, and plainly enough, I left it that way. The day presented me with an increase of moral issues I typically face myself against (maybe as a subconcious reminder that I actually have some); whatever the problem, my solution dwindled down to donating blood: a most worthy of causes, if not for the selfish reasoning behind it. My first experience at the red cross was a brief one, short and sweet, leaving me dizzied with a high rising above your standard saving a life. I was literally floating, and I didnt care why, it felt good. Two months later, and I am left thinking that nothing is ever as good as its first time, your left chasing something you will never get. Ignore the fact that somehow my comparison to donating blood matches up to that of a heroine addicts, needle in hand, reality at bay.
My first time donating blood, I was perched up against the navy blue cots set for all of our soldierous souls, nearing the arm numbing sanctity we call volunteering, wearing ambiance like a second skin. This time round, donating blood did little more than bruise not only my arm, but my ego. Essentially, the nurse didnt use the arm I told her to, the vein she went for wasnt giving what she wanted, and she dug around only to dive into an abyss of excruciating pain. Never again do I donate solely to make myself feel better.Or get high...
Few hours later, coming home to a full house and entering with anger on my mind, my dad cant help remark that I'm only injuring myself for people I will never meet? Hey, temporary ass of a father, it's called goodness, perhaps you could try some, Im thinking to myself. But really, given that I donated so much more because I wanted to feel just, supervious to my peers after a grueling day learning under the man, as opposed to because Im saving a life, am I any better?
In seeing how equally blindsighted we are, my father and I, I think I can vouch for every theory ever saying you become what you swore you never would. Your parents
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| your never gonna be the only one |
[03 May 2008|03:18pm] |
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music |
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coldplay- i miss you |
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I miss the past so fucking much
Thinking back leaves me with one heavy chain twisting in my abdomen
My veins tied to chains in a fucking noose
Everything I had, a year ago from today, is all I want now
I was unhappy, but it's probably because I didnt know what being unhappy really is
Today, sitting here in a pool of content, everything sailing smoothly,
nothings going wrong, but does that really mean anythings going right either?
Everything is just going
;I now know what it means to actually be unhappy.
The irony is, above all else, the very thing I miss most from a year ago, I lost due to my own choice of letting it go.
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| est ce que tu sais |
[16 Apr 2008|03:42pm] |
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music |
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flaming lips-it overtakes me |
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I'm alive
but I question what it is that certifies us life,living?
Minus the textbook facts you could easily list off about vitals, your heart, brain, whathaveyou
Any number of organs I can barely name, let alone understand
That which is perceived to be real, is real in it's consequence
So, say you question reality, all that it is, all that it isnt, what are you really left with?
Questions gone unanswered
It's not an answer I'm looking for, just some peace of mind
But, if I perceive things as I claim to, happiness is a choice
I just need to choose it already.
The weather is lovely, I cant find the wire to bring my pictures to life
and 4 weeks until I am another cell of the collective sum who look back on High school as nothing but memories
Heres hoping I'll be able to remember it all
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[10 Apr 2008|07:53pm] |
I have completely fucked up my layout
Royally.
If you wish to help me, as I so clearly need it
feel free to offer.
I would appreciate it immmmensely..
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| Americas pass time taking its toll..and I dont mean baseball. |
[06 Apr 2008|09:40pm] |
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music |
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bloc party-flux |
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Bipolar is working against me all too suddenly, within a moment of miniscule anxiety. The attack starts shortly, a thumb-tack studded baseball bat ripping its way through your chest, followed by cold air flowing its way in and out of your pores, goose pimples all that's left of your pale flesh, overworked and overwound by the realization that you should never leave off a research paper with all of its bullshit bibliographical trimmings with only hours before it's due date.( at your own risk )
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| The morning after |
[15 Mar 2008|10:34pm] |
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music |
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bloc party-this modern love |
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This years birthday was unlike any other
Because unlike most years where the age change doesnt sink in till about 6 months after, now that I'm 18, I deffinitely feel it.
My head pounds with an aching so deep that can only be matched by the burning in my eyes
and it's only my first day legal
Go adulthood!
Staring into this screen sends knives bolting straight into my skull, so I should probably put the laptop away.
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[13 Mar 2008|04:08pm] |
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music |
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elliott smith waltz#2 |
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It's the last day of my life that I will ever be technically referred to as a minor again
I dont know how it is that I feel
but old is the first thing that comes to mind
and heartbroken, but I shouldnt be taking that half as badly as I am
I have good friends,great family, some semblance of a future piecing together
I dont know what my problem is exactly, but its sure to reveal itself sooner than later
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| color me neutral |
[26 Feb 2008|09:54pm] |
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music |
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space oddity-david bowie |
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Things are never as good as they could be
But then again, things are never as bad as they could be either
Just depends on which door you feel like opening
I'm gonna drink my glass, be it half empty or full, and hope for the best
Supermans good;
Life is even better
I'm in between the two, so no complaints
On another note entirely, I have a challenge for virtually anyone who cares(so no one), but here goes
Find me a song remotely similar to Great gig in the sky, because after listening to that for four weeks straight, I need my next fix of something equally hypnotizing
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| fools paradise |
[20 Feb 2008|06:46pm] |
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I am just a dreamer
but you are just a dream
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Dear diary,
He asks me how my day went;
The thing about that is
he says he cares
he doesnt even have to mean it
I'm just happy he makes the effort to pretend
If I had the power to make people feel about me the way I do him, I'd be immortal too.
Yours truly,
Insane and in lust
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| note to self: stop it |
[11 Feb 2008|07:06pm] |
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music |
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heart of a robot |
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you draw such pictures in my head
with so few words I know what you said
I think about you much more than I should.
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